nothing to do but blog.

i miss ariana!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it gets to be bothersome sometimes. maisie and i in jonica's apartment are sitting here wondering where is our faithful 3rd?

steve and his brother might come to new york on their way home for christmas and so maybe ill get to see them but im homelesss so ugh what to do.

is it me or my life that makes me anxious? who gets to decide?

aurora tried to convince me that the seeds in my armenian string cheese were caraway but thats rediculous. i say theyre black sesame the package says something ive never heard of with an n. i almost had to bitch slap her. i spend my times flaunting myself infront of aurora in search of attention.

i need tickets for christmas break. i dont think ill be driving. better get on that.

i made a card with jonica's stamps and put in a poem for ari. its really neat

i was happy tonight to hear amanda say "does this have a carb" it made me remember that she was once a normal person without a child who went out got fucked up and just as bad if not worse than me. seeing her as a mother has made me forget that she is a real person. but im thrilled to be reminded.

im terribly romantic feeling. i miss ari. so tempting to call. whats important to me is romance not sex. sex is always available while romance is a moving target.

are these chemicals making me a friendlier person? am i less inclined to freak out?

does everyone laugh behind my back about how i insist to be and think. am i a rediculous person?

the mind of a zug is fragile. many have tried to master it not one has succeeded. and the moores dont have problems.

my new toothbrush heads and silicone oven mitts will help. six new pairs of socks. two new pairs of shoes. one new shirt.

why do i insist on searching for some crazy version of happiness bestowed upon me by my mother?

i am happy with my path frustrated with my place.

caleb is beautiful, except his acne. but it seems to be clearing up. aurora misses me but now ive been n=knocked down to second place since things were patched up with the main man. ah well. i taunt her too much anyway. i want brunch. sunday mornings i always have a craving for hollandaise. i saw blood orange hollandaise at whole foods on monday and i had sweet dreams of eggs benedict and italian breakfasts consisting of just blood orange juice cause thats all i wanted. i like the blood orange in french, orange sanguine, it makes me think of an orange with a sanguine face instead of blood. but i guess sanguine refers to the blood in the face making it red so whatever.

amanda calls caleb the squeaky mouse cause he squeaks all the time. i put the phone up to him so he could squeak for ari while she enjoyed contemporary art in a parisian gallery. she said he sounds like a reptile.

so i spoke on the phone with ari today for like an hour and it was very nice. i woke her up and she was confused and really happy and cute to be hearing me. im so excited to see her in december.

just one more day and then i get to come home for 10 whole days!

i watched shrek 2 and i wasnt too impressed and i was ripped, still not impressed.

made contact with miyo. she was glad to hear from me. she still wants her rock cd i made for her. i better finish it. actually id say its done. its in my car i listen to it alot its really good.

remembering to take pills is hard. but i guess if i forget ill get sick and remember. ahh chemical dependency.

love to all

so students from chosun university in the republic of korea have found my blog by way of yahoo. they were looking for "fatness life is habit"

i hope you found your answer kids!

there is a dangerous amount of chocolate in my house

we got switched to lexapro and im happy. and he gave me klonopin to help me sleep.

genevieve is in town. had fun with her last night. she was beyond trashed.

i picked rusty and chelsea up at the airport and havent seen her or heart from her since.

i finally finished my draft of my research paper and i presented it at the undergraduate conference on latin american studies yesterday. what a relief. i feel like i completely different person. but this really only opens me up to do the other work that ive not been doing.

i slept 2 hours last night and woke up wide awake. and i had taken tylenol pm and still i woke up wide awake at 4. usually i can barely drag myself out of bed at 9.

all lars von trier netflix delivery yesterday. watched dancer in the dark. it made me really tense and anxious waiting for the horrificness. but better than the first time i saw it when i was completely drawn into it emotionally and almost killed myself afterwards.

tonight or maybe tomorrow dogville. i think dogville is even more horrible but at least at the end there is some retribution.

people are so bad. we are an ugly species.

george has never heard of either dogville or dancer in the dark. i told him theyre both about human nature and how horrible we can be. he was shocked by dancer in the dark. but he said he liked it.

i'll be home a week from friday, prepare gifts and festivities

i want this medicine to work. i want to be functional again. im perfectly happy being just functional and not normal. im used to it. but this is just unbearable. my mother gave me my striking good looks, my anorexia and my depression.

gilmore girls is making me feel better though. i am embarassed that i watch gilmore girls but it was on tv in brazil ievery day so i watched like the whole show from the beginning so now im trapped in the show.

why does natalie imbruglia get to still be famous? i mean one hit wonder turned makeup spokeswoman. dont get it. shes not incredible or anything.

oh and ari says she will probably come home for christmas. makes me sooo happy.

haircut1
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

haircut2
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

this is how i want to cut my hair. i hope its possible. i think it may require a blow dryer. im going to try. soon. god my hair is soooooooo long. i got 50 unique visitors yesterday due to the controversy 42 first timers.

haircut3
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

haircut4
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

today i am dissapointed in amanda. instead of defeding my right to say whatever i want, she attacked me for "screwing around with [her] family". she called me a "bratty asshole" and referred to the things i say on my blog as "snotty [and] spoiled".

fine. i can take it.

amanda is the most self centered egoistic person i know besides myself. she complains about how i am not being supportive enough (not to me of course) because i wont drop everything to come home to see the baby. i am going through serious shit right now of my own. she has provided no support to me. i am trying to graduate from college. i have a 30 page paper that i am writing and writing and writing. if you have written a 30 page research paper you know how consuming it is. i was going to come down for the birth but she insisted that i not come. after that weekend it became impossible for me to leave my work since i have no money to buy a ticket and i have so much work. i called her twice last week to talk to her, be supportive even, and she has not called me back to this day. i came to her fucking baby shower which was one of the most painfully boring wastes of my time i can imagine. and i spent a hundred dollars on shit for the goddamn baby. and she gave me a hard time for not coming sooner.

i am tired of having a relationship with her on her terms and on her terms only.

AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED SHE IS NO BETTER THAN SOMERSTEIN. THEY ARE THE SAME BULLSHIT.

and i really mean that, wholeheartedly

now before you judge me for being an irresponsible drug addict lets take a look at who i am

im 21, my mother died when i was 17 and a senoir year in highschool. i got into one of the 30 best universities in the united states and took no time off. in may i will recieve a bachelors degree in BOTH latin american studies AND international development. tulane has the number 2 latin american studies program in the united states and the international development program is one of only a handfull in the country. i spent a year in brazil studying in portuguese as a normal brazilian university student after a year of studying the portuguese language at tulane.

i should not have to defend myself but since no one else will (especially not amanda) i feel i have no choice.

so i say fuck you amanda for not taking my side or at least dending my right to say what i want. fuck you for not insisting that i am an entirely responsible person especially when caring for another human being. fuck you amanda for saying that i am not being supportive enough.

im sorry i know i promised i wouldnt discuss this further but its just too upsetting for me to not say my piece.

last night i had the most vivid dream about my mother. it was crazy she was yelling at me to get out of bed and everything. we were in some strange version of the apartment on prospect park west. oh how i miss that place.

this blog, like those of so many others has stopped being a place where i can rant about whatever i want and be as outrageous as i want and has become simply a tool for people to spy on me. it is for this reason that amanda removed her blog from the internet. but i am not my sister. i say:

fuck you! who do you think you are! if you dont like what i say, its probably because you have no idea who i am.

im not going to take my blog down nor am i going to pick through its contents to remove any bits that could be seen as offensive, why? because if you find something offensive here, you probably shouldnt be reading it. why? because you don't know me. and if you think that reading my entire blog gives you a little insight as to who i am, youre right. and if i read this without knowing me i would probably think that i was the most disgusting sad excuse for a human being i could imagine. well not the most, my imagination is quite vivid. but youre obviously not getting the whole picture. furthermore, i'd like to hear your thoughts about my transexual father. i'm sure there are quite a few of your personal thoughts about her lifestyle that i would find to be offensive.

as i have said before, if you feel as though it may be inapropriate to be reading my blog, you probably shouldnt be reading it cause you might get hurt. i refuse to hold my tongue.

i will spend no further time discussing this.

oh and i've started looking at apartment listings at home. there are so many listings for amanda's co-op complex thingy. as long as i get an apartment i should be able to survive for the rest of my life qite easily. thanks mom. i want a happy little apartment with nice furniture. and i want natalie to come clean it twice a month. i want ot build a darkroom. perhaps in the room in rusty's backyard. its perfect for a darkroom.

i am so excited to be home for permanent

and to have a place i can call home for the first time since forever. since mathog made me feel like my home was no linger mine.

never heard back from jill. am i hurt? yes. does it matter? no. and laura still wont stop calling me every day. why is she so obsessed? i told her tonight i need some space and she was all hurt and like well il let you go then. i havent even kissed this girl and she wants to see me every day.

so what happend with jill?
i think ive become too accustomed with the brazilian style of hook-up. and i can see why it would make someone uncomfortable. maybe im just jumping to conclusions too early. whatever i dont have time for this.

and yes aurora your blog looks like shit on a mac. you can barely read it cause the edges are cut off.

george had some guy come over for a total of 20 minutes (i counted) really from the time he walked in the door to the time he left 20 minutes and they had some form of sex. doesnt sound like it could have been too much fun.

sooooooooooooo what happened to the baby boy last night (yes, i reserve the right to the name baby despite the birth of caleb)?? well the usual insanity

so i made plans with the girl i met on the internet that has been all on my cock (not literally that was the plan for last night though) for 2 weeks lets just call her laura for after the earl turner show at harrahs (which was everything i could have ever dreamed). when i come out of show i have a missed call from jill (have i mentioned her before? met at a party about a month and a half ago, flirted for a long time and then found out she had a boyfriend. but she was flirting with me too). so jill wants to go out with me or me to come out with her and im supposed to have laura come over to watch i shot andy warhol. what to do what to do. liz gives me her opinion which was you dont really like laura so much youre just interested cause she's interested in you but when you talk to jill you get all smiley and excited plust jill showed up you the party last week so she must be interested. so i told laura that the new meds had given me a serious migraine (i did have a headache but i took some advil and drank some more and it went away) and i went out to meet up with jill. in the end after bruno's maddigan's miss mae's aka the club and then snake & jakes we were making out on the bar. then i took her home because apparently her roomate slept with her(the roomate's) ex boyfriend and needed back up support. tur or not whatever i dont care. so tonight were supposed to have plans. but then laura called me i was sleeping so i didnt answer. i dont want to be an asshole. why am i always made to be the asshole. why do i have to be so beautiful?!

WHY DOES IS ALWAYS HAVE TO POUR WHEN IT RAINS!?!?

in other news. i came home to find george on my computer trying to get guys to come over and fuck him. i told him to use a picture of me, it would be more effective. he just ended up passing out in frot of the computer. poor him.

lost my mind
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

so ive succesfully lost my mind as you can see. i will recover eventualy thoug. according to the doctor, in about 5 weeks.

so since i have had side effects from paxil before the doctor put me on wellbutrin. good for my smoking habit too. the problem is that paxil is best for social phobias. so im kind of worried that this wont help me enough. maybe i should talk to him about trying paxil again maybe i wont have the side effects now since im almost 8 years older. well so now im a medicated emotinal zombie just like the rest of the family.

oh and there was no sex lastnight. she didnt come over, but once i finish my work shes supposed to. who knows when ill finish my work though.

soooooooooooooooooooooo

i love bacon. all i want to do is eat bacon cheese burgers alllll day. mmmmmmmm

so its november and its actually cold today for the first day this season. it must be 60 or something im freezing my nuts off.

and a message to those who think i'm funny. it's not funny its the serious truth. we need to stop laughing at such rediculous ideas and start believing in them. there is a serious problem and weve got to do something to fix it. the solution that will be found by the democratic party is to simply become more conservative to appeal to the mindless. this is not the solution. the rural poor need to be made to understand why their lives suck and that the only onces who are trying to solve the problem are not the ones out to screw them over. the problem is who you gonna trust? the ones who send you a check? (not that the poor actually got checks since they didnt pay enough taxes) or the ones who want to take that check away. the government can only fix things if it has the money to do so. we cant expect to be taken care of by a bankrupt corporation that the president is running into the ground. just like all of the other businesses he has successfully done the same to. i dont see how the saudis are going to bail him out this time.

i think the lesson that i learned last night is that its about time that we break away from the dead wight to make the interrupted union of the northeast and left coast. perhaps we can set something up like soviet era berlin where cities who are stranded in the middle amongst the poor uneducated fools can have walls built around them so they can make a part of our union that actually cares about the unfairness inherent in our capitalist society and who couldnt care less about what the bible says in terms of our "secular" government.

yesterday george said something to the effect of "those people want universal healthcare!" with utter contempt and i almost died. being a potsmoking college age homosexual there is no excuse for his republicanism other than the obvious FAS due to his alcoholic australian parents. the australianness also points to poor genetic makeup.

this girl is coming over to have sex with me. lets see if i still remember how

eight pages down seventeen to go. i hope you voted today cause i didnt. i feel worthless.
i miss everybody. i need lots of love and affection right now but i dont have the time. ive got a suitor but im not completely sure about it. she pursues me too much. can't think. must sleep for ever and ever and ever. slept 12 hours today and yesterday and probably the day before. need meds! computer seems to be holding out for now. thanks be to jesus. im glad its raining. it helps me do something i dont know what. 57 minutes tilll the first polls close.

oooh oooh ooh i found out that im going to get to graduate this spring cause they changed the requirements for my second major! now i only need one 600 level for that one so i wont die next semester i hope. i will be medicated so that should help.