ONCE AGAIN I HAVE CONQUERED THE WOMAN. am i simply irresistable or just very persistent. a little bit of both. all stories from my childhood and i guess my life contain the phrase "and then there was a battle of the wills". willfull i am. do i always get what i want because im the youngest child? or is it because i am a terrible manipulator? i think theyre related. you know jonica got twice the allowance that i get while she was in college. i think i deserve this. especially since i live in new york. mmm. happy. 3x fuck = happy colin

as usual things with ari are confusing and nerve racking. so far we havent had sex. but she wants to but is holding back for some crazy reason she has concocted as usual. whenever i see her my heart races. she was worried when she was hugging me goodbye tonight she thought i was dying. she said your heart is racing so fast. i said im just nervous. she said dont be nervous. so i dunno. is it love is it nervous. are they related, comingled or mutually exclusive? i spent over $400 on her christmas present. i think i actually have lost my mind completely. i am madly in love with this scatterbrained lunatic who has no idea what she wants nor how she wants it. she wants to lie in bed all day in our underwear cuddling, flirting and looking longingly into each other's eyes but not have sex and call it just friends. one of us is missing something. i dont think its me. well im missing the sex certainly.

to blog is to satisfy my need for lack of immediate repercussions or embarassment. its cowardly in a way. some things you just cant bear to verbally relate to people. because you know youre being a loser schmuck and you dont want to admit it. you believe in love and that above all love is the key to everything. love is forever and unconditional. to work on a relationship has many meanings. to be involved with a woman who forgets what love is and what it means everytime youre apart is a sad thing.

from aurora's moral responsibility to ari's who knows what. women are enigmatic beings. impulsive or overly calculated and analyzed at the wrong times. the mind of a woman is a giant monkey wrench with the sole purpose of being thrown deep into the core of a man's mechanism.

it's time we wound our clocks and tightened our screws. there is a whole barrel of monkeys out there and a shortage of mechanics.

i hear rumor that the commissioner will be re-emerging shortly. how throroughly exciting.

northampton is not exciting but im having a good time. today i ate ice cream from herrel's and walked around the campus talking on the phone with amanda about thong underwear and her baby glo-worm and to ari about school work and the evil kids she takes care of. i scared away two young pot smokers. i suppose i look like a cop or something. however i have never seen a cop so good looking undercover or not.

being here reminds me of amanda and sherry and mina and whitney and the time ari and i drove up here for an admissions interview.

aurora has been overcome with a new sense of moral obligation and has been turning down sexual propositions left and right( and not just from me). how proud of her i am for taking a stand. but she shouldnt be demanding that i come visit her if shes not going to put out.

i ate a giant bacon cheeseburger and now i hurt all on the inside part.

judy is sick we should all pray for her health and her soul in case she doesnt pull through. tomorrow i will visit her at her job in the student center and then there will the the celebratory end of the semester bowl smoking afterwards and apparently aurora and her crazy printmaking friends will be funneling beer in the studio so ive been conned into staying until wednesday i guess. i forgot to bring a single change of underwear or socks.

so tomorrow im off to northampton i guess. to entertain the lesbians with my antics. im tired of having no friends in the city. it sucks ass. if i may be so eloquent. i want ari to come home now! come play with me!!

i thought so. im just sitting around playing dress up. i need more clothes! i didnt think it was possible but it is. more clothes are needed to make me even more superbacana. superbacanerrimo.

i've been eating too much. no friends means fat colin.

maisie has no pitty. she just sits there staring at me half awake waiting for me to give her chocolate. but im smarter than her.

after a week of wasting away in new orleans drinking away my lonliness i am home in new york. the baby is very tiring. i have been thinking of nothing but ari. always tend to obsess before a meeting. forgot my klonopin in new orleans cant refill until the 13th. you name the drama and i'll play the part. all my clothes are dirty.

my medicine is working school is over im coming home on wednesday.