06-29-05_1230.jpg
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

this is me bored at work and dreading talking to ari tonight.

happy wednesday?

today i told izabelle that i was thinking of calling things off with ari this summer. and it was weird because i think it was the first time i said it out loud to someone so casually in conversation. its something i need to seriously come to terms with and accept as an ok thing to do. and to see it as something that i am doing for my self and most importantly my mental stability.

its a hard thing to accept for me.

when i think about all of my other relationships i really know that none of them worked out because i was pre-occupied and still holding on to the dream of being with ari. ive loved some amazing people and they or some have really loved me back. i really regret that i was unable to relax and see how things would have worked out with each of them.

with ari i feel that mostly she is with me because im around. i dont know how much of a spiritual or emotional connection she feels with me. i am dubious about her true feelings. i feel like i dont really cross her mind when im not around.

things are relatively great with her right now but i need to tell her seriously how i feel and what i need. i need to know if i am just wasting more of my time with her or if she truly wants to be with me. and have that be enough for her.

i think one of her major problems is that she is horribly insecure. she is traumatized by the idea that someone wouldnt love her and she deals with that by finding people to fall in some sort of love with where ever she goes. to her its not just a warm body its an expression of her control over people sexually and her need to feel desired by all. without it she feels lost and terribly alone.

this sickens me to a certain degree. i cant say how much because it varies greatly. sometimes i find myself understanding how she feels but then i realize that its just me rationalizing her behaviour which i find to be reprehensible in terms of her obligations to me not just as one of her lovers but as a human being that she cares about.

when i think about it sometimes i say to myself, how on earth could someone put someone else they really care about through so much. in the name of what? sexual experimentation? women's liberation? the need to be young?

the decision to be with somebody should not be so hard. wanting to be with many people IS ok. but actively LOVING more than one person is cruel to those that love you back.

and i'm not claiming to be the most faithful of men but most of my indiscretions have been sanctioned by the set parameters of our relationship. and i dont mean just physical cheating. i feel that emotional cheating is just as bad and is usually even more hurtful. the really sad thing is that i have come to expect this from her.

and i find myself in doubt. and highly untrusting and sceptical. justified? probably... no, yes.

it hurts me to be that way. i have become callous as a result of mistreatment. its horribly sad and depressing to think that but i guess its the truth.

can one truly love another whom they cannot trust to have friends or phone calls or private time?

it seems like too much. its too sad. it makes me hate love. it makes me want to be a cruel and mean person. and worst of all it makes me WANT to feel used sexually by others.

my worst fear is that what is really going on is that i have come to believe that i dont truly deserve to be loved by someone else in the way i believe love should be. i dont want to go on in my life fearing mutual intimacy.

i guess the point of all this is just to let everyone know that i am severely damaged goods. i never would have imagined the amount of baggage i have picked up in the past FIVE years that i have had some permutation of an emotional/sexual relationship with ari.

i need people to be gentle with my emotions which i know is hard when matched with my demeanor at times.

i like to interpret the line "youre as soft as glass" to signify more than just fragility but to also emphasize how with the fragility comes the coldness.

sleepin' baby boys
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

caleb and i fell asleep together while i was babysitting on saturday night

Group
Originally uploaded by Rorosto.

Colin and Aurora
Originally uploaded by Rorosto.

this is from aurora's graduation

Maritime and Martrimonial?
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

rahreed
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Down the Aisle-ish
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

so this is the plan:

im going to purchase (with my father and another investor) the land at paddy mountain or a big part of it. then i am going to send judy to dairy science school while ari and i are in france and maybe portugal doing a fromagier apprenticeship or two. then we all go out there and live on the land making cheese and art and music and swimming in the ponds and hopefully other friends and family will join. oh and we will raise goat herding cocker spaniels too.

i spoke to the family with goat experience and they just said it was a lot of work and that i should look at the website for the american dairy goat association which i still havent done.

im so tired lately i wake up in the morning and its like i will die if i have to get out of bed ontime. argh.

oh and yesterday i bought zuccini blossoms and they have little mini zuccini attached to them and theyre so cute. i want to put them into a yummy quesadilla with oaxacan cheese and huitlacoche but i dont know if im going to get my self together to make such a yummy foodstuff. i think i will just give them to amanda to play with and hopefully she will come up with something delicious to cook and later feed me.

this stupid check that i deposited on friday still hasnt cleared and its so annoying. i need that money.

and i want to eat something and i dont know what it is. like i have a craving for something very specific but not even i know what it is.

i need to look for tickets to go to europe to see my dad and judy

Big Piece of Cake
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Cake
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Nuptial Smooch
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Bride-out
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Ari
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Colin and Ari
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

More Ari
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Whoa, It's Done!
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

ok so there are pictures from the wedding and the rehearsal dinner below and two pics from a few weeks ago thrown in too.

more wedding photos to come.

the wedding was great. i cried. the pig was delicious. there was drunken debauchery and someone ended up with a broken front tooth. how fitting since gabe has been known to get drunk and break his teeth.

as you can see i looked smashing. theyre not the best pics but hopefully better ones are forthcoming.

it looks like my camping trip with the boys this weekend will be rained out. at least that means i will be here for pride festivities this weekend.

married i nated!
Originally uploaded by R.bean.

two tiers of friends
Originally uploaded by R.bean.

Mina & 'Leb
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Colin and Ambo
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

Crossed
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

With Aunt Susan
Originally uploaded by Scramberlee.

morepeeps
Originally uploaded by michymala.

sarahcolin
Originally uploaded by michymala.

Introductions
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

Zug-Moore moves
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

Fox
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

Fox & Babe
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

things with ari are going swimmingly.

at least one thing is good and happy and nice in my life.

amanda is a vile person. she always has been. shes just like our mother. evil and vile. now that she is getting married on saturday she is fifty times worse.
she is allowed to be stressed and crazy but she has no excuse to treat me like less than a human being.

this fight between us is all that anyone has been talking to me about for the past few days and im so tired of it. last night i yelled at jonica because i was so frustrated about the neverending disscussions about how amanda is under a lot of pressure and what have you blah blah and i dont want to hear about it anymore. i felt bad cause jonica is just trying to diffuse the situation and help everyone get along. the thing that pisses me off the most is that its me that is expected to back down because amanda is getting married.

amanda sent this to jonica amber and me yesterday:

colin has not said A SINGLE WORD to me
about any of his problems, even when i asked him if there was something
he wanted to talk about. furthermore, all of his problems that i have
heard about secondhand are HIS PROBLEMS. i dont have anything to
apologize for. i am getting married. i have a lot more to worry about
than my brother acting like a spoiled brat and i am not going to talk
or think about any of this anymore.

PICT0087
Originally uploaded by michymala.

you cant guilt me about spending too much time with my girlfriend! ive seen her 2 nights since shes been home. shes my girlfriend! i know i'm a hot commodity and everything but people please, get over yourselves. if you want to make plans lets make plans but with some antecedance please.

the wedding is so soon its crazy. this weekend will be spent shopping for ari's dress and a gift for the newlyweds.

yesterday i went to the greenmarket by work and i got all kinds of yummy breads and veggies and i made tabouleh last night.

ari met me at work and we went home together and we had a little slumber party with jonica. the landlord agreed to giving me the front room for the summer for $500 a month. woo now i have a place to stay without being a burden on anyone.

someone has been teasing me about how i only put pictures of myself up. well who's blog is this? what is the purpose of this blog?

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!

blogging is a level of narcisism second maybe only to having children.

im excited to have all these pictures finally cause i havent had the wire to connect my camera to my computer in many months so ive been saving all these pictures up for you. thats right, just you. plus, as more people discover flickr i can use more and more peoples pictures of me. how wonderful!

ari isnt spending enough time with me so far. i'm smoking too much pot and sleeping too much. its so hot i wish i could come to work naked.

me and colin
Originally uploaded by michymala.

cloin
Originally uploaded by michymala.

Three Headed Monster
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

Playful
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

Smiling Fox
Originally uploaded by Cat Whisperer.

DSCN3145
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

these are all from the end of april except for the ones with long hair

DSCN3141
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3132
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3101
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3114
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3085
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3082
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3078
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3073
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3072
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3064
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3067
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3051
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3046
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3045
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

DSCN3029
Originally uploaded by jambonchampignon.

new orleans was weird. i didnt like being there. it made me remember all the stress and anxiety of the past year and all my unhappiness. it was good to seen some friends though. recently i have been going through a period of noticing that my friends in new orleans actually like me. but i am a fucking retard. either i think they hate me or they like me too much and either way its off-putting. why cant i just have normal social skills like most people?

i threw up on friday night from drinking too much at miss mae's. something i havent done in over a year. the last time was all over the hallway in my house in sao paulo after a party with a strobe light. it was all the strobe light's fault. anyway i threw up and it was over. talked to jojo a little about living with her for the first semester mext year.

my stuff all lives at the u-haul place in metarie. i hope its happy there. it should be its all air conditioned and everything.

i hung out with miyo yesterday for a bit. i hadnt seen her in a year and a half. she seemed good.

ari came home! we had a nice night together. but it was soooo fucking hot we couldnt cuddle. after the air conditioner cooled down the place in the middle of the night i woke up and had initiated forplay in my sleep. sex is always so nice to wake up to. we moved to the bathroom to avoid waking gita up and fucked against the sink in the pitch black. it was too dark-- a little strange, i like more light. but things seem like they will go well with her for the time being at least.

Lee Sleeping
Originally uploaded by betaband.