so steve is an ass as we all know. last night we had dinner plans so i went home at like 830 and waited for him to show up. i called and no answer. i waited two hours and finally he answered and he was like oh i thought our plans were tentative. at this point nothing is open on seventh avenue and there is no food in the house because steve keeps no food in his house and we were supposed to go grocery shopping after dinner. so it seems as though ari and i are back on for now. at least for the summer. the summer is good. i think breaking up and getting back is much better than trying to keep anything going. it seems to be much easier on me. everyone is park slope is preggers or pushing newborns in perams around seventh ave. its freaky especially since amanda is one of the pregnant yuppies as well. being home is amazing im so happy. but i think ive said that before. i get my car on thursday but theyre trying to make me get it wednesday. they dont seem to understand that i wont be able to pay them until thursday when my checks clear. damn car salesmen!

i can not resist her, there is simply no way.
i see her and i think thats what i want.
i think about what i want and she is what i see.
lying next to me sleeping in the grass
this is love, that i can't have or i'm told i shouldn't.
she looks so beautiful
i just want to embrace her and doze off to the sounds of the birds and children in the distance
I want my life to be simpler, i want to just have this,
the grass the pond the birds and her
sleeping next to me
occasionally making sleepy grunts of satisfaction
or surprise
as i tickle the back of her arm with a blade of grass

she told me i'm a hopeless romantic when i showed her what i had written while she was sleeping and that she loved me. i just felt like a tool for writing such who knows what. yesterday was great. i feel good seeing ari and then a trip inside was loads of fun. i dont think ive ever been greeted in my life with such celebration. everyone mustve thought i was a star. my first day back was better than i was expecting. my first days back in december were much more flipped out and anxious. sherry warned me that just cause im amanda's little brother doesnt mean im off limits. i was unaware

so last night was my last night out in brazil. so sad. it was a lot of fun, i just dont remember the time between ó do borogodo and denise's car. but apparently not only did i pay but i lent izabelle twenty reais. so in terms of despedidas last night was certainly in the top 5. really good pizza at pizzaria bráz, antarctica original at the mercearia, chorinho and caipirinhas at ó do borogodo, pot at some other place i have no idea where i was, all topped off with denise in my bed at the end of the night at about 8 in the morning. james owes vanessa a beer apparently since he bet against my chances of sleeping with her. he has no faith in me and my charmoso ways. my suitcase is still open and the contents are about 3 feet high but i think if i sit on it it will close. i have collected a sick amount of clothes in brazil. but at third world prices who can resist. so the cab will come to take me away in about three hours. the expatriate repatriates finally after a year and a week. just repeat my mantra and i wont go crazy.

moro num país tropical... QUE É TÃO FRIO EU QUASE NÃO ARGÜENTO! today there was a feijoada at izabelle's house part of the neverending despedida. it was really good. i still havent studied for my exam on monday. i need to sleep and wake up and read and then go to carolina melanie and jeanette's belly dancing recital all the way in the zona norte and read some more and write some stupid essays and sleep and go to class and read and take my test and then go out cause im all done even though i have two papers to write but im going to leave them for the very last minute meaning after i get back to the us. amanda says vanessa is a slut to get back at me for what she went through last semester knowing about ari. i think i agree with that idea. tonight she made that clear by way of her conversation with eleonora which i was listening to. whatever. vanessa doesnt fit i dont think. so far only ari fits perfectly. the one person in the world i never grow tired of is ari. after months of almost 100% constant contact still not annoyed. vanessa annoys me after a few hours when im in a regular mood and maybe a day when im in a good mood. amanda, comprei uns chinelos para seu babydaddy de tamanho 9 são verde escuros. pai, você é maluca. nuff said

according to rusty, i(and amanda) am(are) skating on the edge of sanity and i am only going to let her drive my car in an empty parking lot in first gear. i am here to declare both of these things factual. leaving brazil is not so much of a happy thing. my impending departure brings increasing anxiety. anxiety, the bane of a zug's existence yet its only friend. são paulo has now become the third home and to some degree more so than new orleans. that this here has become normalcy concerns me about my return to "os estates". everyone doubts my love for brazil and my contentment with being here and i resent it, but im not going to say that home is not where i want to be right now.
everything in its place and time. order is essential. life can be controlled. happiness can be attained.
this is my mantra.

so its now official i will be back in new york on thursday morning. and thursday i will we will be celebrating my return at a trip inside. i know amber is thrilled. i am too. it was only a hundred dollars to change my ticket so i went for it. i very very happy. with every day i hate the obese host father more and more. today i was calling the us (with my calling card) and like i can hear someone on the other phone and its obviously him cause i can hear his fat person breathing, you know the kind, and like so i dont say anything i just wait for him to hang up but he doesnt and then he's like hello and im like im using the phone (you dumb shit) and he was like oooh and then hes like are you calling são paulo and im like NO and he goes away. i want him to die by way of ham sandwich. and i know that mama cass actually died of a heart attack and there was just a sandwich on the night stand but its funnier this way. but on the bright side im out of here in 6 days!
i took out the money to pay for my car yesterday which means im really going through with it. its a very big step. it will be the only thing thats really really mine 100% except for on paper where it belongs to rusty for insurance purposes. cant wait to go cruisin around BK or sit in traffic on the BQE ahhh good times. i called steve to tell him im coming home and he was all weird as usual. i dont know whats up with him but he is always weird. i really think that there is something wrong with him having a 31 year old girlfriend. i think he should have no girlfriend at all. and he certainly shouldnt be talking about wanting children at this point in his life. weird!

she admits to the flirting! hah! not as stupid as i thought.

one would guess that after dating someone for 3 and a half years you would be able to read them. but not so much. in my life i have never really been able to distinguish where friendly ends and flirty begins. and furthermore where flirty ends and obvious begins. i also dont know when to give up. sometimes i feel like someone else should make my decisions for me but i dont think i would be so keen on following orders if i disagreed.
spread the word i may look harsh on the outside but im soft and squishy in the middle.
im never able to stay mad at anyone and even if im still mad i dont really outwardly show it. i think my mother demented me into being just like her and just always being pleasant with everyone even my enemies and taking everything out on myself or loved ones behind closed doors. the training that we wasps get is really subliminal and inescapable. all i want to do is take charge of the anger and resentment but the brainwashing always gets in the way. being mean or angry at someone makes me feel guilty and thats no fair.
you know what i really want. i wanna get really stoned and sit in the dark and listen to the song that darren made with the camera shutter noises. last year amanda and ari and i got stoned and sat in the dark of our apartment on plaza street and she put it on after much stoned hype on her part and she was absolutely right. its like butterflies. or as if there was a flock of cameras that flitted around like butterflies and with each flit of their camera wings they make their little shutter noise.
i also want some huevos rancheros from the place on fifth ave and like 11th st. mmm.
subbacultcha always reminds me of mike gigignimiailijghdlgheski or however but you know who im talking about any way so at jonica's birthday party last year. i could go for another party like that with the dog torturing and the marbles and the country line dancing.

i got a 8.5 on my glabalization test. big big big surprise, i was expecting something more like a 6 but im so happy. 8.5 translates to an A-. it was my first brazilian test which is hard to believe i know since ive been here for a year but it was. so carolina and i went out and celebrated with some old speckled hen pints and some nba finals action. i found out that ari is not going to go to indonesia until later than expected so who knows what that means and i bought 3 more tubes of eucalyptus toothpaste. im sleepy now, goodbye. tomorrow is tequila night for old times sake gotta rest up

you know i take offense to the comment that i am "remarkably well-spoken" you may be my big sister and have some kind of genetically ingrained need to underestimate me but you know me! i know you think i'm one of the smartest people you know. i do go to college you know. in a foreign country in a foreign language! grrr.
well anyway yesterday i decided to finally leave the house and do something and i got dressed, bought some cigarettes and even amde it all the way to the bus stop and waited for like fifteen minutes. but then i gave up and i went to the drug store bought two tubes of rodoxon vitamin c + zinc for my cold (theyre really fun theyre like alka-seltzer and theyre great dropped into a glass of guaraná) and three tubes of eucalyptus toothpaste. only three because i didnt want to seem like a complete freak 3 tubes is freaky enough but dont worry holly i'll go back for more today. so yeah and a chocolate bar and then returned home. only to find that my obese host father was in the process of moving into the living room to watch tv. my only friend. so i drank my c smoked my cigarettes and read some reading thats about 2 months overdue. whatever. today i wake up get ready and try to leave and someone has taken my keys from the spot where i left them by the door. both the maid and the host mother deny responsibility and we all blame the obese host father. so now im without keys. and the gas ran out of the stove on saturday morning so i was without real food until today when i ventured outside again for class and i treated myself to a superdog for the first time since jonica was here.
today we learn that now even the business school at USP is considering going on stike with the rest of the university(which has been on strike since late may) perfect timing since my class at FEA has had no work and the only grade is from the test which is supposed to be held on this coming monday. as of now there is still class. perhaps i will get out of the test though since i need to leave the country by a week from this sunday. i still havent called about changing my flight but im gonna try to come home in time for the party as i said before.
i keep on trying to buy me a new cell phone online but the stupid website is about as helpful as the psychotic android woman on the sprint support phone line.
the things i look forward to in the next few weeks: bagels and burritos, my new car, the pot thats been waiting for me since i left it in february, digital cable, and society(civil and otherwise) as a functional unit.

after some complaints were filed i managed to fiddle with the thing that is written in wreird computer language and so whatever in the end i was able to make everything bigger so that we can read me blog. i've always been able to read it but certain ambers have not. the big question for today is to leave the house or to stay inside for another entire day to bring the hour count up to something like 60 or so. what am i going to do anyway. last night i think i hurt izabelle's feelings cause she called me at like 1:30 and i was watching tv and like i had already gotten ready for bed (translation: i had already taken some sleeping pills) and so i wasnt wanting to go out at that point and she aked me if i wanted to go to a balada (dance club) and i was like no. and she was like are you sure and i'm like no. and shes like why and im like cause i'm fucking tired of going dancing i dont want to go dancing. and i am i can only go out to clubs once in a while not like once a week or more. it gets really tired and especially since she refuses to go to hip hop clubs it makes it even more tiring cause there is no vareity and why can't i have people who like to go out without going dancing. whats the point of going to a club with friends if youre just going to be dancing either by yourself or with some brazilian that attaches himself to you within minutes. thats really no fun for me and i feel like its antisocial in terms of intragroupalness. I LOVE BARS! they are the best places in the world and if you think its boring to sit around and talk to your friends and drink and chill than you suck and i know it's a little harder in brazil because most places they dont play music but still. and i'm sorry but that's all she ever wants to do it seems like and it's just i dont know perhaps its because shes from LA and not a real new yorker. she has been described as the rich girl that has all the clothes and all the boys attention. its true. it has also been said that she's not as smart as vanessa and i but she tries really hard to keep up and its sweet. also true. but still vanessa can't really keep up. thats what makes me miss my friends from home. not only do they know me the best but i never have to deal with someone not keeping up. and i know that im sounding all conceited but no its true. my friends from other places only fit into one area of my personality. when i told someone that i wasnt really talking to vanessa their only response was "vanessa is nice but her perfume smells trashy." izabelle is closer to the top of my list than vanessa. since my host mother is away for the weekend my host father brought over his girlfriend and her son as usual (my host parents are divorced but live together) so anyway the kid never shuts up and i can't understand him and he wont go to bed until i go to bed and i dont know how old he is maybe 10 i dont know but like he is the one person in brazil that i cant understand and he wont shut up. brazilians are uncomfortable with silence. if there are two people in the same room and theyre not talking there is something wrong. hence my big problem with brazilians. we all know i'm the big mute. i miss my silence everyone thinks either i'm angry or depressed or stupid because i dont like to talk. im coming home soon. sooner than i thought i think. because of visa issues i have to leave at least a day earlier but im thinking perhaps like almost a week earlier so i can make the last thursday of june for the party.

so here are my proposed possible reasons for sleeplessness:
i've been taking sudafed on a regular basis cause ive got me a cold. also last week i started talking to ari again(we haven't been talking for almost two months) which has stirred up some shit. not so much the bad shit but just the usual shit that runs through my mind constantly that i can't seem to ever be able to shut out. she called last thursday and we didn't talk very much she didn't seem to have much to say and she was watching tv and not really paying attention anyway and so i said goodbye after about 15 minutes and she seemed to freak out a bit since normally we talk for like hours on end but like i wasn't in the mood to just sit there and not really be saying much. i mean i could have been talking and telling her stuff about what i've been doing but like her lack of attention really turned me off. so anyway she was all like apologetic and whatever so i just payed along and was like whatever im gonna go. but then she called on sunday and we talked for about two hours and it was much more normal and it was nice. talking to her can be the most comforting thing in the world to me. so yeah the card ran out i love you i love you too i'll call you soon i got another card bye bye. i like talking to her and i hate being on bad terms but when i'm not talking to her i don't think about shit and it can't get me down or make me preoccupied. but also i don't know how this is going to affect the way i feel and if i still want to be with her(regardless of whether or not it's possible) and like so i don't know. shes not going to be home really at all during the time that i'm going to be in new york this summer. but i do love her and i always will and i think i will always want something with her no matter what. it may be sick but thats the way i am. also in terms or vanessa, we were fine and nice and cute for about a week and so during this time it was all a secret cause shes like oh everyone will flip out if they knew and it would be annoying so whatever but that didnt fly with me and it made me angry and then we had a little fight just cause i was in a standard bad mood cause im angry but i'm not going to tell you why i'm just going to be mean and cold and then so whatever we went to the pantanal and i try to mend things and shes not having it so whatever but were friendly this whole time just any kind of sexual advance is looked down upon and so whatever she doesnt actually say anything to me about it and im just thinking shes in a bad mood or whatever we were out camping in the wilderness with 25 other gringos so its not like the best place anyway so whatever and then we get back school whatever its hard to tell whats going on cause in public nothing is going on and we hadnt gone out just the two of us and so then that friday were at a party and shes making out with this guy and so im pissed and shes like whatever and so the next day were supposed to go to our friends country house and so i wake up and call her and shes like ugh im tired ill take a bus later and im like well if youre not going you have to call victor and flake out for yourslef and i hung up on her so yeah then shes like fine ok lets go we go so in the end she ends up sleeping with this guy whose a friend of victors who is studying in rio and by the way a comeplete dumbass from notre dame plays soccer and has a big blonde fro and the kind of coloration that some blonde people have that makes them look dead oh and he has a lisp. so anyway i have to listen to them having sex since they were in the room next to mine and it was really not making me happy but i couldnt be angry with vanessa in front of victor cause i didnt want to make any problems on out fun little weekend and it was shitty and so yeah and then she calls me the monday after we get back and im like you are a despicable person and i think youre a horrible slut. and shes like i know im sorry im stupid and i fucked everything up and you should hate me (at least for once a woman admits that they fucked me over without any kind of bullshit excuse about me) and so whatever and then so the problem is no matter what i have to see her cause my only other real friend is izabelle and her only other real friend is izabelle and izabelle knows nothing about anything cause it was all a secret so she just thinks im being an asshole to vanessa for no reason. and like now i feel like vanessa has hijacked my friendship with izabelle cause i don't want to hang out with vanessa so much cause she sucks and cause i've been sick. but like every time i see them theyre like where have you been you dissappeared and im like one we went out two days ago and two you haven't called me. so like theyre out having fun and doing shit and im at home being sick or pouting or just unaware and like theyre out having fun without me and like it makes me feel really shitty. i especially get mad when my friends smoke up without me. i feel really fucked up for it but i do. i feel like especially here where it's much more of a treat it's disrespectful. if i fucked izabelle it would make me feel a lot better about the vanessa thing (some what of a revenge thing) and it would just make me happy in general. very happy

i've been in brazil for so long that it's going to be really weird when i leave knowing that i'm not coming back for a while. i am completely ready and excited to go home but my reality of being here with these people has become so normal that thinking about it going back to some other way seems odd. i think readjusting to tulane will be the biggest challenge. yet i feel like with all the crazed fucked upness that tulane is at least its completely understandable on some level but maybe i like the way nothing makes sense and i've just been left to die.
i love potato chips and they don't have anything that resembles a good potato chip in this county except the homemade ones that they sell on the street, they look really good they look like they would be really good with some ketchup on them but i have never tasted them so for all i know they could be horible.
i haven't been sleeping. monday night i blamed it on being excited about the car purchase but i've got nothing for sunday or tuesday. since then i've been taking sleeping pills to make sure that i fall asleep by a reasonable hour or at least by the time i want to. i don't live a very healthy life except for the fact that i walk all the time, but really no more than the average new yorker then i take sleeping pills all the time. when i'm at tulane its always pot and then adderall and then more pot and then sleeping pills and thats the way i get things done and make my heart want to explode and turns my brain to mush. here its much more like sleep for twelve hours a day and then eat for the other twelve. new york will help me. i will be better. i never get depressed in new york and i wonder if its self inflicted depression while im away from home based on guilt. or could it just be that my soul is reliant on the energy that the city radiates. maybe its cause when i'm home i usually have sex on a somewhat regular basis. now that that's changed we will see what happens. however, miraculously sex comes around every once in a while whether i want it or not so who knows.

amanda is always trying to get me to go to yoga with her sometimes she even tries to trick me or trap me into going with her. it makes me feel like i shouldnt go cause if i actually do there might be kool-aid or trepanation awaiting me. but she always seems to come home alive and without any holes in her skull. im still dubious. it just doesn't seem right to have a room full of people who are willingly wearing sweatpants and/or spandex and walking around on all fours sticking odd bodyparts up into the air with great force in order to get all your chakras spinning right. it just sounds like im better off staying home and masturbating or getting stoned or both. that'll get my chakras spinning.
the baby is now to be called red boots soria. let us pray that social services never finds out that amanda has an infant in her care. if all else fails i'm sure rusty and chelsea are willing and able to provide a stable home for little red boots.
by the way the whole yoga thing is amber's fault. apparently she is in there cutting holes in her skull as we speak with the help of the poor inocent jonica who amanda also dragged into the cult. so it reminded me about how amanda is always putting the pressure one me to go. amber and i talk mostly about amanda. i guess its a topic that both of us always have something to vent about or at least one and the other one understands.
on monday i (through my agent rusty) put down a deposit for my new cooper mini. it's the first big purchase i've ever made and its really exciting. i couldn't sleep monday night cause i was all excited. i wasn't expecting rusty to actually get anything done when i asked her to go car shopping for me so that i get get my car in time to put some mileage on it before i have to drive it down to new orleans in august.