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my father thinks either im losing my mind/a serious drug addict/generally out of control or a big gay slut. my father has lived his/her life being obsessed with labels and roles and not those which we place on ourselves but those which society places upon us. my father lived his whole life feeling as if he was a woman trapped in a mans body finally at the age of 50 went through a physical metamorphosis and now is a woman according to the government and physical appearance. has anything about my father changed internally which makes my father more or less of a man or woman over his/her lifetime? i would say no. is this a result of the lifelong socialization my father recieved? my father is the same person she always was she just looks different. over the past 2 years my hair has gone from and less than and inch long to more than shoulder length and back to short. a change in my appearance i would say equally as drastic but still i am the same person.

as a type 8 we all know that if there was one word to sum me up it would be willful

as i get older i find myself caring less and less about what im supposed to be or do or say or how im supposed to act or dress. basically i dont give a shit about what people think. or at least not as much and with each day i care less.

i was talking to george the other day about my behavior recently with drugs and alcohol people and he said that i was simply testing the limits of acceptability.

this made so much sense to me. a lot more sense than anything else has in a long time

what am i doing?

I AM FUCKING WITH SOCIETY

if people are going to say that i cant do something because of who i am and if i do it im somone else im going to try my hardest to say fuck you im going to do whatever i want and be who i am based upon my own rules and definitions.

my actions dont make me

I ALREADY AM

remember when i drank too much and humped merry and yelled about how new jersey sucks and then didnt remember any of it?

well ive struck again.

after getting ready to go out liz and i head over to rescue amanda b from gens downstairs neighbors. george calls and needs to be rescued from the ghetto cause he wandered away from the quarter and the party he was at. after finding his drunk ass we bring him home and papa comes over. we sit for a while waiting for will to call back about a party and laugh at georges retardedness.

we go to wills around 3 am i start drinking hardcore cause i was sober and dying from it. we smoke a bowl i take some pills to ease the soberness.

thats where my side of the story ends. the rest is courtesy of will

gen got tired and started insisting we go home. i kept on telling her 5 more minutes. eventually she was like ill be waiting for the car and she walked out. george and i didnt care and will was like isnt she gonna be mad. so i walked out to see her and i may or may not have communicated with her and then i went back inside and locked the door. will must have unlocked it and she came back in and i just gave her my keys so she could leave. i certainly wasnt driving.

so she left. at some point will decided to take off his clothes and he ran around naked for a while. and then he put all his clothes back on including the gigantic gold bling dollar sign necklace. and then he went to bed where his quasi boyfriend was sleeping. approxmiately 20 minutes later i went in and literally jumped in the bed between will and brenden and passed out.

in the morning the bf was like what the fuck with the long haired boy and will just said. colins straight.

as of now wills friend doesnt want to see him anymore and all my friends are laughing at me.

i have a sprained toe from playing rooster ball yesterday at the levy. its a game involving elements of wiffle ball and drinking from a keg while spinning around. my bigbird kite got caught in the tree.

i have a slice in my finger and an abrasion on my jaw from my lost hours.

genevieve adjusted the seat in my car and now it feels funny and its not in the right spot.

jonica got me the wallet that i wanted for christmas i was so surprised i was expecting underwear and a valentine. which i was excited about too. im cold

i want photoshop and a scanner that does negatives but photoshop is $650 its so sad!

charles de gaulle areogare 1 is one of the coolest terminals ive been in. its all space porty and like lots of tubes and moving walkways very interesting. too bad i didnt want to be marked as a terrorist by taking pictures.

ari lives in a very small studio smaller than the size of my bedroom with room for a futon a small table and thats it. the toilet was electric and made a lot of noise.

we made love pretty much first thing when i got there. this theme continued throughout the week.

my strongest feeling from her: i need you

i have spoken to her almost every day since ive been home. she has called me 50% of the time

for valentines day i spent $15 getting my car washed. i love to see all the chrome sparkle. i also bought 2 cds and some pictures from my iphoto. i requested info from pratt and parsons for their MFA programs. i need to start looking for jobs.

what does ari want from me? i dont know for sure really. she thinks i know perhaps. expects too much from me. i can tell a lot of things but just not that. i told her that i need her to be there for me more and that i need her to be more in my life and vice versa. being in paris with her was so nice and relaxing but there is always the nagging what does this really mean.? this is a very important thing for me and it just doesnt make sense to her. i feel like it has come to the time when things get made right or we just forget the whole thing. i dont know why its so important to me. i guess the relationship is too important to me to be dicking around and it will only get me hurt. i really really think (and this time i think its valid) things are changing and actually moving in the direction i want. i dont know and i know i tell myself this all the time but she even said it this time. i wish i had a transcript of that conversation. i think she is finally growing up to my level of readiness for a relationship. why does my life revolve around this always!>!??!?

i guess i make it that way

tomorrow is valentines day. ari says she thinks valentines day is stupid. i think its nice. last valentines day ari told me was the most romantic day of her life. i wrote her a card and she cried so much i had to read it to her cause she couldnt see.

im very lonely now, i need that love and affection.

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amanda's breastfeeding diet seems to be working remarkably well. lee will want her even more now. lee she thinks youre way hot! she told me so.

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the baby is just incredibly gorgeous and i miss him so much. i would forgo the gratuitous sex of france to hang out with caleb soria for a bit. i hope he remembers me when he see's me next. im the bestest uncle in the world.

dear blog,

i have returned from france broke yet completely satisfied and fulfilled. i am mad at the european economy for being so strong. i miss the days when europe was cheap. anyway so paris was nice and we spent a lot of time in bed rolling around. ate some good food and some unpasturized camembert. onion soup, crepes, creme glacee. took some good pictures. i think for my next project i will do a series of portraits. oh blog why am i too lazy to type.

love,
the babyboy

now it's time for some classic commissioner:

it's jarvis cocker i've been in love with all along and i'll always have him to make me
squeal. jarvis is real. jarvis is dirty and raw. jarvis doesnt worry about whether or not he's
taken a shower. he knows what is and what's not. he knows about washing dishes and
pencil skirts and homemade hardcore pornography. i will have it my way, thank you very
much.
i'm not really kidding about being in love with jarvis cocker. in my more depraved
moments, it often seems like no one understands me better. we have the same
sensibilities.
he gets it right. and simply. and he's fucking sexy. i love jarvis. and i love murikami,
although i'd rather be midori than naoko.
maybe i'll just turn this into a jarvis cocker fansite and say things like, "jarvis baby, i'll
raise my pencil skirt for you anytime." or not.

dear blog,

you are a wonderful device. click click type type click click -- i feel better. you deserve so much more from me. and i want to give it to you i really do. but its hard enough paying attention to what is actually happening in my life let alone process it and do the clicky typie thing. as always i promise to be better to you.

love,

mcnugget mcgeorge mczug-moore sr.

so im not graduating this year i will graduate in the fall. even if i were to work everything out to do it all on time i dont think i could handle it emotionally. it sucks a lot but its the way things are. im lucky ive made it this far without killing myself or someone else.

i spoke to ari for like 15 minutes while i was buying her some cheap computer speakers. she seemed weird or unconfortable but not necessarily with me just in general. it was upsetting. i took a klonopin in the car on the way home from best buy and made my self 3 zug-moore strength vodka cranberries called james and miyo and then passed out at around 1030. i woke up at 5 to the tv still blaring in the living room and george passed out in front of it. i'm still awake

right now as i blog i hear the sounds of gay porn coming either from george's room or ricky's upstairs. i think its from upstairs.

i have found that gay men are very similar to evangelical cristians in that theyre always seeming to be trying to spread the word of god or in thir case, the rod.

so as i was saying i have decided to follow amanda's example and drink away night and day but save the pot for occasional use. or at least not everyday use. its all genevieve's fault. always bringing the pot over here. and forcing me to smoke it. she has always had sucess with school.

today i must go to class drop two classes and register for one more, pack my bag, transfer money, stay sane