someone ding-ed my car im so mad! im gonna get one of those things that they sell on tv to get it out. i hope it works. george found an apartment for us today which is exciting. and its only 3 blocks from campus and it has parking and a screened in porch. i got an email from denise the other day it made me happy. amanda is really fat. and by fat i mean preggers. every day she seems bigger its really incredible. my life is really not interesting right now.

so im still here in new orleans i was supposed to leave tody but since i havent found a place yet i changed my ticket. now im leaving on friday. today i loked at two apartments and one was basically perfect but its way over priced and the other is really big and a more reasonable price but its painted funny and it has window airconditioners and its so big im afraid i wouldnt be able to fill it with stuff. tomorrow im going to look at four more places and then make my final decision and get things signed and rolling and then i go home. to my surprise a trip inside is tomorrow, i distinctly remember that it was the last thursday of every month and tomorrow is definately the second to last thursday. i dunno. my first day back in nola started off with a nap followed by a bubble tea on maple street and then a shower and then frankie and johnnies for an oyster po-boy. after that we got 32oz. daiquiris and went home. drank daiquiris and then went to georges drank some wine and then got in the car and drove all the way downtown and then liz decided that she was tired so she drove us back uptown to brunos the bar where we always go and she went home. george and i hung out made some calls for pot and then went back to his place ate a hot dog and then passed out on the futon in the livingroom. since then its been much more mellow. nicole and i split a bag so liz and i have been smoking and watching tv while i wait for people to call me back about apartments. liz has a really nice place. im jealous. but she has a roommate so im not. this year i live alone. we all know the real reason why i want to live alone is cause ill be able to walk around naked all the time. wooo!

la was fun i thoroughly enjoyed my time there. yesterday i hung out with judy as planned. and i can see that i am back to my usual school time tricks. we drove out to pauls on the island and picked up a bag and just sat around all day watching bad tv and ordering taqueria delivery. it was great to spend the day with judy cause we dont usually hang out just us. la was my big jump start i guess. my tolerance is back. on saturday im going to nola until wednesday to look for apartments and see liz and george. tomorrow amanda and i are taking gabe's niece to the childrens museum and im really excited cause its so much fun. maybe the sun will decide to come out finally and we'll go to the beach.

last night i remembered that its not just me getting stoned when we smoke pot, its everyone else too. my tolerance has been close to nil since i returned to this lovely country and i will like take even just one hit and feel it hard core. well not hard core but like if i smoke like a(pronounced a as in bat) bowl i get silly. i think the real issue is not that im getting more stoned its that im not used to functioning while stoned or that im super self conscious of my stonededness and probably a combination of the two. izabelle was like colin you amaze me no matter what drug you take or what you drink youre always the same. i dont think so. im certainly much more friendly whilst fucked up. and i get twichy when i smoke pot. so yeah there was someone more stoned than me last night obviously if not more than just one and it made me be like oh yeah everyone smokes everyone gets stoned this is whats supposed to happen.

so la is interesting. its a lot better than i was expecting i guess but maybe my standards are a little off since ive been in brazil and the people i go to school with in nola. but bebel is trying to show me the best time possible and i know im not the easiest house guest what with my long stream of i dont knows and i dont cares and whatevers. the first night was long and interesting and involved a lot of coke. i was so exhausted from not sleeping for more than four hours in a night in about a week that it didnt have too much of the desired effect. perhaps also because of the awkwardness of being in a new place. weve only gone to bars that are outside so far so you can smoke and that is certainly a plus. so yeah. bebel has a nice house in pacific palisades right close to the beach and a mercedes a range rover and a porche suv. her sister(20) is a little bitchy and her brother(17) is a surfer guy. the dog splifton is cute. i got sunburned yesterday but just on my lower back and the back of my right leg and arm. tomorrow we will try to even that out a bit. i miss my car, i really do. its kinda sick but if youve riden in it you know why i love it so much. id say that la is like long island except much more beautiful much richer and much poorer and more cultured. what culture i dont know but its foreign to me. its cold i wish it were a bit warmer but its sunny and beautiful so its tricky. i guess i could live here. i didnt think i would ever say that but i think i could if i knew the right people and had a nice place. i dont like how everything is so far away though.

i love my car. all i do is drive around. amanda and jonica came home today and ari left. im happy the sisters are back and have mixed feelings about ari's departure. the getting back together was somewhat unexpected but not totally. it was good as always. things are different now though. somehow ari has gotten involved with adam(the boyfriend from her freshman year of brown during the three months we were broken up and 3 months after we got back together) again. this confuses me a lot considering it is entirely long distance. she always told me that she never loved him but i suspected it was a lie and she confirmed that this morning. i took her to the airport and we had the usual drawn out goodbye with neverending discussions of what is to come and what the fuck is really going on. i cant avoid the separation anxiety and depression. she always complains that were too intense and its too heavy. this is true and i feel the same when i stop and think about it. but i do enjoy the inherent intensity that always exists. she says she's worried that we just fall into what is habitual with eachother, i dont know how much i agree with that. obviously everything wouldnt be so fucking intense if we werent always saying goodbye all the time. if neither of us was going somewhere else all the time we would both have some space and time to relax. the constant anxiety over the ever impending approach of one of our departures feeds the intensity of our relationship and in the end leads to its downfall. i want a more normal relationship with her and i hate that its just not possible in the situation that were in. i asked why a long distance relationship would work with adam and not me and she said its because of our situation. as i recall the reason why she broke up with adam is because he is selfish and would throw fits and have horrible fights and blame everything on her. he's also a conservative wealthy republican from connecticut. this in addition to the fact that she chose me over him. she tried to be friends with him later but he started with the same bullshit and she cut him off and then he treated her like shit for all of first semester this year. apparently all this did was show her how much she loved him. our situation is that she refuses to deal with everything that comes along with a serious relationship. she says she needs to decide and this year in paris is going to be our time to figure all the shit out. this is true for when she returns i will have graduated and in all likelyhood have returned to living in nyc full time. which means that we will be a maximum of 4 hours away for the first time in four years. this will allow us to be normal. we will see how this works out. for now its just one period at a time nothing more just what happens and thats it. easier said than done i know especially for me but thats the way things have to be. tomorrow im going to los angeles to visit izabelle. if something were to happen between us it would be great. i think that we have a lot of potential. i feel tension between us but i'm also nuts and it could be all on my side. also izabelle has the incredible power of making me a wonderfully happy person even when im as depressed as can be. i truly believe that she is the reason for my light mood of late.