will write as soon as my life gets a bit more normal and i get my power cord for my computer(it broke a while ago and i have been using ari's but i had to give it back). dont give up on me because of this lul.
oh and just a general advisory: if weve slept together then you porbably shouldnt read my blog you may get hurt or angry. be careful with me im dangerous

im sorry i havent blogged in a while. its cause i dont have internet in my house and ive been running around doing too many things and i will write a big long thing.
oh and i think that its fair to say that if you have slept with me you probably shouldnt be reading my blog cause that just ruins my whole thing here if you were to get pissed about or hurt by something i say.

ari said something last night in bed about how all of our problems are all her fault and she started crying. and i do agree with her almost all of our problems have been caused by her but you cant be like yes honey its all your fault lets fuck. i was just like it doesnt matter. i couldnt say no its not your fault. and if were together and things are working out then it really doesnt matter. she cried for a while. she said it doesnt count as freaking out. we had promised on monday night that there would be no freaking out. i think shes freaking out. earlier yesterday she said something about how im leaving too soon and such. for many reasons i have promised myself that i will not flip out and for real this time.
so aurora has bought her ticket back from new orleans so shes driving down with me. the possibilities are endless. hahahahahahhaha. im excited cause im going back to new orleans and im going to have someone to show around and its an excuse to eat out and really enjoy it. i dont think that her relationship with alex is failing i just think she needs some excitement in her life. i can provide her with some excitement i have no problem with that.

am i a terible relationship destroyer? who cares. its not my responsibility. she still wants to come to new orleans apparently which is cool. i had a dream last night about driving down by myself but then halfway there rusty ans jonica showed up and drove the rest of the way. ari, as usual, went back on her word about not sleeping together last night. i've come to expect this which means less stressing but what does it really say about her. i feel like shes completely under my spell, unable to deny my charm. she made some comment about how its fifty percent because we have great sex which makes me a little peeved and think of her as some kind of sex fiend. ay yay. i feel man whorey these days which i think is a little healthy but i dont see a real problem with my behavior im just having fun and doing what i want. i have no responsibilities to anyone at the moment and for the moment im enjoying it. we will see how long this lasts. i made some comment about living in amanda's apartment and how i would be really comfortable there even if someone moved in with me and ari got confused cause i didnt say like if you moved in with me. she was like thats it? or something. i dunno. im going tv shopping with izabelle this afternoon. how exciting.

spoke to ari, attempt at normal conversation failed. i havent been capable of normal conversation all day. first with amanda agreeing to go sit shiva on long island cause she wants to go to trader joes. and then trying to talk to ari when all i really want to do is scream in her face about how horrible she is to and for me and how she makes me feel like shit with her fucked up ideas about relationships and shit. how she has been back in the country for almost a week and hasnt called or emailed or texted me and before that it was a week since the last email. and i hate her for controling me like this with her hands on the dial for my emotions. i hate her for making or breaking my happiness when we are in contact.

so i saw lee last night. he has come a long way since the last time i saw him play. he has a lot of weird friends from weslyan or however you spell it. they were too intense for me. i slept with aurora last night. i hope this doesnt make her not want to come to new orleans with me. i hope it wasnt a terrribly stupid thing to do. i am the master of terribly stupid things. i felt bad taking her back to alex's house. but not because i feel like what happened was bad but just because of guilt. it was something that ive been meaning to do for a very long time as in years but have always found excuses to not do it. i cant come up with such excuses anymore. and i feel like a load has been lifted or something. or like finally our relationship has become something thats not just like drunk highschool kids making out scrupulously to avoid any consequences relating to significant others and such. i dont necesarily think however that this is a relationship changing event since i only see it as the greatly anticipated acting out of previously established ligations between us.

im all alone with a nine year old child and its weird. its weird especially because in a short time i will always be around a small child and he will be related to me and ill be his uncle and its just a very strange thought. after the child goes off to sleep i get really stoned and listen to the camera shutter song. it was just as good as i remembered. im gonna listen to it again in a minute.
ari is back from indonesia but in san francisco with adam, and she hasnt even called or texted me to say that she is alive. sometimes i hate myself for loving her. a lot of the time.
im spending quality time with maisie. amanda always says that maisie doesnt like smoke but maisie and i have been smoking up together for a long time. she is so cute and she wanders around aimlessly with a really confused look on her face and she gets all super-cute.
ari comes home on monday morning and so does izabelle. george comes on wednesday. and tomorrow im going to see lee for the only time this summer at his little show in williamsburg. i still have not completed the two papers i need to write for last semester.
also tomorrow i have to go to newark and put this kid on the plane and stuff
skool skool skool
girls girls girls
death death death