i've been in brazil for so long that it's going to be really weird when i leave knowing that i'm not coming back for a while. i am completely ready and excited to go home but my reality of being here with these people has become so normal that thinking about it going back to some other way seems odd. i think readjusting to tulane will be the biggest challenge. yet i feel like with all the crazed fucked upness that tulane is at least its completely understandable on some level but maybe i like the way nothing makes sense and i've just been left to die.
i love potato chips and they don't have anything that resembles a good potato chip in this county except the homemade ones that they sell on the street, they look really good they look like they would be really good with some ketchup on them but i have never tasted them so for all i know they could be horible.
i haven't been sleeping. monday night i blamed it on being excited about the car purchase but i've got nothing for sunday or tuesday. since then i've been taking sleeping pills to make sure that i fall asleep by a reasonable hour or at least by the time i want to. i don't live a very healthy life except for the fact that i walk all the time, but really no more than the average new yorker then i take sleeping pills all the time. when i'm at tulane its always pot and then adderall and then more pot and then sleeping pills and thats the way i get things done and make my heart want to explode and turns my brain to mush. here its much more like sleep for twelve hours a day and then eat for the other twelve. new york will help me. i will be better. i never get depressed in new york and i wonder if its self inflicted depression while im away from home based on guilt. or could it just be that my soul is reliant on the energy that the city radiates. maybe its cause when i'm home i usually have sex on a somewhat regular basis. now that that's changed we will see what happens. however, miraculously sex comes around every once in a while whether i want it or not so who knows.