so here are my proposed possible reasons for sleeplessness:
i've been taking sudafed on a regular basis cause ive got me a cold. also last week i started talking to ari again(we haven't been talking for almost two months) which has stirred up some shit. not so much the bad shit but just the usual shit that runs through my mind constantly that i can't seem to ever be able to shut out. she called last thursday and we didn't talk very much she didn't seem to have much to say and she was watching tv and not really paying attention anyway and so i said goodbye after about 15 minutes and she seemed to freak out a bit since normally we talk for like hours on end but like i wasn't in the mood to just sit there and not really be saying much. i mean i could have been talking and telling her stuff about what i've been doing but like her lack of attention really turned me off. so anyway she was all like apologetic and whatever so i just payed along and was like whatever im gonna go. but then she called on sunday and we talked for about two hours and it was much more normal and it was nice. talking to her can be the most comforting thing in the world to me. so yeah the card ran out i love you i love you too i'll call you soon i got another card bye bye. i like talking to her and i hate being on bad terms but when i'm not talking to her i don't think about shit and it can't get me down or make me preoccupied. but also i don't know how this is going to affect the way i feel and if i still want to be with her(regardless of whether or not it's possible) and like so i don't know. shes not going to be home really at all during the time that i'm going to be in new york this summer. but i do love her and i always will and i think i will always want something with her no matter what. it may be sick but thats the way i am. also in terms or vanessa, we were fine and nice and cute for about a week and so during this time it was all a secret cause shes like oh everyone will flip out if they knew and it would be annoying so whatever but that didnt fly with me and it made me angry and then we had a little fight just cause i was in a standard bad mood cause im angry but i'm not going to tell you why i'm just going to be mean and cold and then so whatever we went to the pantanal and i try to mend things and shes not having it so whatever but were friendly this whole time just any kind of sexual advance is looked down upon and so whatever she doesnt actually say anything to me about it and im just thinking shes in a bad mood or whatever we were out camping in the wilderness with 25 other gringos so its not like the best place anyway so whatever and then we get back school whatever its hard to tell whats going on cause in public nothing is going on and we hadnt gone out just the two of us and so then that friday were at a party and shes making out with this guy and so im pissed and shes like whatever and so the next day were supposed to go to our friends country house and so i wake up and call her and shes like ugh im tired ill take a bus later and im like well if youre not going you have to call victor and flake out for yourslef and i hung up on her so yeah then shes like fine ok lets go we go so in the end she ends up sleeping with this guy whose a friend of victors who is studying in rio and by the way a comeplete dumbass from notre dame plays soccer and has a big blonde fro and the kind of coloration that some blonde people have that makes them look dead oh and he has a lisp. so anyway i have to listen to them having sex since they were in the room next to mine and it was really not making me happy but i couldnt be angry with vanessa in front of victor cause i didnt want to make any problems on out fun little weekend and it was shitty and so yeah and then she calls me the monday after we get back and im like you are a despicable person and i think youre a horrible slut. and shes like i know im sorry im stupid and i fucked everything up and you should hate me (at least for once a woman admits that they fucked me over without any kind of bullshit excuse about me) and so whatever and then so the problem is no matter what i have to see her cause my only other real friend is izabelle and her only other real friend is izabelle and izabelle knows nothing about anything cause it was all a secret so she just thinks im being an asshole to vanessa for no reason. and like now i feel like vanessa has hijacked my friendship with izabelle cause i don't want to hang out with vanessa so much cause she sucks and cause i've been sick. but like every time i see them theyre like where have you been you dissappeared and im like one we went out two days ago and two you haven't called me. so like theyre out having fun and doing shit and im at home being sick or pouting or just unaware and like theyre out having fun without me and like it makes me feel really shitty. i especially get mad when my friends smoke up without me. i feel really fucked up for it but i do. i feel like especially here where it's much more of a treat it's disrespectful. if i fucked izabelle it would make me feel a lot better about the vanessa thing (some what of a revenge thing) and it would just make me happy in general. very happy