today i told izabelle that i was thinking of calling things off with ari this summer. and it was weird because i think it was the first time i said it out loud to someone so casually in conversation. its something i need to seriously come to terms with and accept as an ok thing to do. and to see it as something that i am doing for my self and most importantly my mental stability.

its a hard thing to accept for me.

when i think about all of my other relationships i really know that none of them worked out because i was pre-occupied and still holding on to the dream of being with ari. ive loved some amazing people and they or some have really loved me back. i really regret that i was unable to relax and see how things would have worked out with each of them.

with ari i feel that mostly she is with me because im around. i dont know how much of a spiritual or emotional connection she feels with me. i am dubious about her true feelings. i feel like i dont really cross her mind when im not around.

things are relatively great with her right now but i need to tell her seriously how i feel and what i need. i need to know if i am just wasting more of my time with her or if she truly wants to be with me. and have that be enough for her.

i think one of her major problems is that she is horribly insecure. she is traumatized by the idea that someone wouldnt love her and she deals with that by finding people to fall in some sort of love with where ever she goes. to her its not just a warm body its an expression of her control over people sexually and her need to feel desired by all. without it she feels lost and terribly alone.

this sickens me to a certain degree. i cant say how much because it varies greatly. sometimes i find myself understanding how she feels but then i realize that its just me rationalizing her behaviour which i find to be reprehensible in terms of her obligations to me not just as one of her lovers but as a human being that she cares about.

when i think about it sometimes i say to myself, how on earth could someone put someone else they really care about through so much. in the name of what? sexual experimentation? women's liberation? the need to be young?

the decision to be with somebody should not be so hard. wanting to be with many people IS ok. but actively LOVING more than one person is cruel to those that love you back.

and i'm not claiming to be the most faithful of men but most of my indiscretions have been sanctioned by the set parameters of our relationship. and i dont mean just physical cheating. i feel that emotional cheating is just as bad and is usually even more hurtful. the really sad thing is that i have come to expect this from her.

and i find myself in doubt. and highly untrusting and sceptical. justified? probably... no, yes.

it hurts me to be that way. i have become callous as a result of mistreatment. its horribly sad and depressing to think that but i guess its the truth.

can one truly love another whom they cannot trust to have friends or phone calls or private time?

it seems like too much. its too sad. it makes me hate love. it makes me want to be a cruel and mean person. and worst of all it makes me WANT to feel used sexually by others.

my worst fear is that what is really going on is that i have come to believe that i dont truly deserve to be loved by someone else in the way i believe love should be. i dont want to go on in my life fearing mutual intimacy.

i guess the point of all this is just to let everyone know that i am severely damaged goods. i never would have imagined the amount of baggage i have picked up in the past FIVE years that i have had some permutation of an emotional/sexual relationship with ari.

i need people to be gentle with my emotions which i know is hard when matched with my demeanor at times.

i like to interpret the line "youre as soft as glass" to signify more than just fragility but to also emphasize how with the fragility comes the coldness.