what does ari want from me? i dont know for sure really. she thinks i know perhaps. expects too much from me. i can tell a lot of things but just not that. i told her that i need her to be there for me more and that i need her to be more in my life and vice versa. being in paris with her was so nice and relaxing but there is always the nagging what does this really mean.? this is a very important thing for me and it just doesnt make sense to her. i feel like it has come to the time when things get made right or we just forget the whole thing. i dont know why its so important to me. i guess the relationship is too important to me to be dicking around and it will only get me hurt. i really really think (and this time i think its valid) things are changing and actually moving in the direction i want. i dont know and i know i tell myself this all the time but she even said it this time. i wish i had a transcript of that conversation. i think she is finally growing up to my level of readiness for a relationship. why does my life revolve around this always!>!??!?

i guess i make it that way

tomorrow is valentines day. ari says she thinks valentines day is stupid. i think its nice. last valentines day ari told me was the most romantic day of her life. i wrote her a card and she cried so much i had to read it to her cause she couldnt see.

im very lonely now, i need that love and affection.