i love my car. all i do is drive around. amanda and jonica came home today and ari left. im happy the sisters are back and have mixed feelings about ari's departure. the getting back together was somewhat unexpected but not totally. it was good as always. things are different now though. somehow ari has gotten involved with adam(the boyfriend from her freshman year of brown during the three months we were broken up and 3 months after we got back together) again. this confuses me a lot considering it is entirely long distance. she always told me that she never loved him but i suspected it was a lie and she confirmed that this morning. i took her to the airport and we had the usual drawn out goodbye with neverending discussions of what is to come and what the fuck is really going on. i cant avoid the separation anxiety and depression. she always complains that were too intense and its too heavy. this is true and i feel the same when i stop and think about it. but i do enjoy the inherent intensity that always exists. she says she's worried that we just fall into what is habitual with eachother, i dont know how much i agree with that. obviously everything wouldnt be so fucking intense if we werent always saying goodbye all the time. if neither of us was going somewhere else all the time we would both have some space and time to relax. the constant anxiety over the ever impending approach of one of our departures feeds the intensity of our relationship and in the end leads to its downfall. i want a more normal relationship with her and i hate that its just not possible in the situation that were in. i asked why a long distance relationship would work with adam and not me and she said its because of our situation. as i recall the reason why she broke up with adam is because he is selfish and would throw fits and have horrible fights and blame everything on her. he's also a conservative wealthy republican from connecticut. this in addition to the fact that she chose me over him. she tried to be friends with him later but he started with the same bullshit and she cut him off and then he treated her like shit for all of first semester this year. apparently all this did was show her how much she loved him. our situation is that she refuses to deal with everything that comes along with a serious relationship. she says she needs to decide and this year in paris is going to be our time to figure all the shit out. this is true for when she returns i will have graduated and in all likelyhood have returned to living in nyc full time. which means that we will be a maximum of 4 hours away for the first time in four years. this will allow us to be normal. we will see how this works out. for now its just one period at a time nothing more just what happens and thats it. easier said than done i know especially for me but thats the way things have to be. tomorrow im going to los angeles to visit izabelle. if something were to happen between us it would be great. i think that we have a lot of potential. i feel tension between us but i'm also nuts and it could be all on my side. also izabelle has the incredible power of making me a wonderfully happy person even when im as depressed as can be. i truly believe that she is the reason for my light mood of late.