liz and i drove to memphis and we hung out with claire and we ate barbecue and we went to hot springs arkansas but the bath house closed at 3 and we got there at 330 so we couldnt go but we climbed hot springs mountain and looked out at the valley and it was really nice to be out in nature and not worrying about school at all. last night we drove around memphis and smoked a few joints and looked at all the beautiful houses in memphis. i was so impressed, it made me want to get a big beautiful house in memphis and die fat and happy. today i barely made my flight as usual but only 6 hours later i arrived in new jersey. amber made me biryani tonight and the sisters were there too. im really dirty and gross cause i have yet to take a shower today and ive been flying around and its really fucking humid and gross here.

tomorrow is the big baby shower and all those people. thinking about it is a little scary. it makes this whole baby thing seem much more real. i mean if you have seen amanda with her belly you would think im crazy cause its very real but like i think you know what i mean. i wanna cut my hair but i doubt i will have time. being in nyc is weird for some reason right now. ive been all over escaping the hurricane and now suddenly thrown back into this stuff and like even from like school which has been sooooooo stressfull these past few weeks and then this week off but knowing its coming to an end and i have to go back to the stress. i think this year im definately going on medication. i just cant live like this anymore. with the stress and the panic and like i just dont think i can deal with it AND do my work AND have friends AND be a good person

i miss ari. she holds me toghether while she tears me apart. she is a dangerous drug. i think things are going to be ok. more so than usual. im very calm and relaxed about her right now which really has almost never happened in like 2 years. we started dating 4 years ago give or take a few days. that is a really fucking long time. its almost a quarter of my short life.