got into a fight or rather a non-fight with ari last night and of course it has ruined my mood completely. i called her in such a good mood and we were talking and then she got another call and put me on hold for over five minutes. i wasnt expecting her to answer my call since it was 3 in the morning in paris and then at 330 she got this other call. i had no choice but to assume that it was adam or cain or whoever else she is fucking. she knew i knew. i always know. she came back on the phone after forever and after a long silence was like you dont sound too happy, i replied with a grunt and another long silence. mentioned something about maisie and then announced that i had to go. she partially flipped but let me say goodnight. she let out a sigh and something to the effect of i cant believe youre doing this as i said my final goodbye.

i hung up the phone and listened to the end of the television lp that was already in progress.

i felt horrible. i dont know whether it was more cause i was furious with her or cause i felt horrible being such an asshole. so i called her back and apologized for being an ass. she said i had every right to be angry.

so this is progress i think. at least she can accept the fact that i have the right to get pissed off at her for treating me like shit.

we need to have a big relationship talk. i need to have a normal relationship with her or nothing at all. i dont know if i could stick to that though.

why can't i have a relationship that isnt manic-depressive?